this will be my 18th mothers day.
19, if you count when i was pregnant.
there is so much that goes thru my head when i think of what this day means to me.
it has always been such a special day, because it has always been one that i felt i have truly connected with.
no other day does that for me. interesting, really.
what have i learned from Motherhood, i ask of myself?
so so much.
so much more than what i can relay here in this cyber-garden for my thoughts.
i will tell you this, though. i have learned what LOVE truly is thru my motherhood.
nothing i have ever experienced in this lifetime has compared to what love i feel for this child.
it lives inside the deepest parts of my soul......encompassing my entire being.
it is in my every breath that i take when i think of her.
it is in my every loving heartbeat.......
it is like a life force all its own that lives sometimes stronger than me.
it IS stronger than me. wow. i've never said that. nor thought that. but it is true.
i have learned the obvious too: responsibility. endurance. patience. faith. trust.
all of those things. we should all be so lucky to learn those this way.
she defined my light. she brought forth all that was good in me and made it shine, thru the armour, the scars, the warriors that guard over me...all of that ~ she made it shine.
i dont even know who i would be or who i am without her. the person that i was becoming is long gone and now the woman that looks me in the mirror is someone that i had no idea was coming. and sometimes i don't even know who she is still.
she's so gentle. far from the fighter i was bred to be.
she's completely understanding. not the impatient, judgemental, biased person i would have been.
she's rootsy as hell. and soulful beyond my own recognition.
and completely scared to move into this next lifetime that i am about to begin.
18 years. being mommy. and then mom. and then mama. and sometimes just ma.
i think my heart would break in two if i was to ever lose any of those handles.
i can feel our spirits slowly separating. slowly unravelling from the tight knit they have woven together. so many years, a lifetime, really....and now i am supposed to just move on. and watch her go on her way while i go onto mine.
but what if i dont want to?
what if i need her more than she needs me now?
what if i am having a harder time with all of this than i can care to admit.
why does my heart hurt so bad when i think that these last 18 years were supposed to feel like they lasted so much longer?
i just dont want to let go. i dont like to spend so much time so closely with anybody else.
i keep telling myself that it will all be okay, but im sitting here feeling anguish and anxiety over not hearing her little soft soul live next to me so closely.
i LIKE taking care of her. i like feeling the responsibility of it.
i like HER. she is my best friend in the world. the love of my life. my only real truth.
my motherhood.
you are the most solid, consistant yet ever-changing thing i have ever known.
and i relish in the beauty of your honor.
i bask in the silence of your greatness.
and bow before you now and ask you to please take all of these tears that i shed for you, put them into a pool and let me swim in it forever.
~gypcee
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