the heaviness of myself

i caught my own breath as i silently gazed out the window this morning
the feeling the same as many mornings before
the look in my eyes a familiar, yet distant one.
but today my breath was longer.
as though it meant to make me stop and feel it a bit stronger than normal.
a little nudge of it's own to remind me, once again, what is lost is still lost.

the sun was perfectly shining thru the trees. a symphony of rays, softly playing it's chords thru the swaying branches with a gentle wind. the birds a chorus in flight. capturing the ebb and flow of the beauty perfectly in time with their flight.
the casting of their shadows in combination with the strong, proud trees - harmoniously united for what seemed to be only me. a glorious perfect moment in time to treasure. and i did.

i wonder how many others got to see today that beauty? i wonder if anyone saw it the same as me? i wonder if they did, if they thought it as beautiful and striking as i.

my attention was drawn back to myself. my familiar reflection staring back at me in the mirror. this nakedness to be shared with only myself, with my innocence once again reflecting back. reminding me of the angel still trapped deep within. i stopped for a moment and just stared. i stared into my eyes, colorful with still glistening hope, yet darkened with sadness bearing thru scars deep within my crevices....
sometimes it's hard for me to look so deeply into myself. there is so much i long for, and so much i want. and i fear that maybe if i look too closely - i might find answers im not ready to hear. or find questions im not ready to ask. so i look away sometimes....but not today.
today- i shared a tear with myself. i allowed it to well up inside of me and felt it come to surface as if to present itself with such stregnth and power - that it would literally come out of my eye with hand in palm. saying to myself 'here you go my treasure. this one is for what you are feeling as of lately. this one is for the ones you cry to sleep with at night. the ones you wipe away out of pride, and dignity, and of courage and stregnth.' - and i called it to line. allowing it to stand tall and divine, instructing it to dive from my eye to the floor below, where it would be erased forever and i would be able to move thru the day without the heaviness of it's weight.
there is so much inside these words. so much i want to say- but can never find the place to lay them all down before me. my head spinning with thought faster than my words can capture them....so much inside. so much to say...

i feel tortured. from this love i have nurtured and grown as organically as anything i've ever grown. from this heart i have shaped and massaged into the most powerful thing inside of me. from this strgenth that i have captured from all of the trials i have known. from my spirit, which is stronger than anything i can do in one lifetime. i am tortured by it.

it is strong and courageous, and proud and humble and softly, gently, crying for it's equal to help it to go to sleep at night in the midst of this chaotic world. to hold it and protect it, as it has so rightfully earned.

my warrior is somewhere out there. my gallant, charming warrior. he is there. and it is for him that i cry this pain. it is for him that i wail my tribal cries inside and out. it is for him i hold this cork back to protect my walls from spilling over oceans of love. it is all rightfully his. it is for him.

and no man, woman or treasure will take from me what i have saved and carried thru lifetimes for him. nor will i waiver what i own, and what i feel, for mediocrity in comparison. for what i know inside to be real, is real. and my search will lead me to windows like this one today to remind me always, what i am. who i am. and what i long to share in. like so many lifetimes before.

my journey. my longing. my tears.

i treasure and honor you so.