I've often wondered when he would come. The man I need.shit.........more than wondered.....it's kept me up at night and sleepwalking during the days. filled my head with misery and made my heart feel heavier than stone.
i've sat...and thought...and hoped.....and longed for....and shunned...and meditated...and all of that.. - and he has yet to come. My missing puzzle piece. My YIN
and then i woke one morning, just the other day - and i started to realize - WHAT AM I WAITING FOR EXACTLY?
for this knight in shining armour who is kind and gentle and strong and brave, has good/classy manners, smells good and dresses fucking great. Tastes like black licorice and vanilla ice cream and drives me absolutely crazy? Cooks with me and sings to me while he plays guitar, reads with me, and makes me laugh, packs a backpack & goes with me into the mountains for days, and always always always has my back?....is that what i am waiting for?
Does that guy even realistically exist?
I mean- it's been like what - 24 years that I've been looking? Fine tuning him all along the way....making changes, some subtle, some drastic....having him grow up with me all along and still...... waiting. telling myself that he is out there. that he is coming. Damn that old italian gypsy woman who told me years ago to just wait it out! that he was out there searching for me too. and damn me more for holding on to that idea all this time.
I woke the other day and had this great realization that I am ALL of those things myself! Perhaps i have conjured up this idea of my perfect man, when in reality the idea is just a reflection of my own being. I take care of myself more gently and passionately than ANYONE. I intrigue myself, i challenge my own mind, i drive and inspire myself more ....and i LOVE myself more truly than anyone ever will.
I think that for the first time in my life i am finally at a place where i have come to terms 100% with myself, and i am totally content with the person that i am now and have strived to be. And
what an absolutely fucking incredible feeling that is! it's almost as if i have been freed out of some run-on chick flick that never ended and i am now breathing this new incredibly uplifting and energizing air that is outside on some fresh sunny, spring day. WOW. i'm liking this feeling.
this is totally where it's at.
Cool.
So i'm gonna just roll with this for awhile. im going to embrace this newfound freedom to it's fullest potential. gonna go explore it a bit....turn myself out.
Everything just feels different. Literally. Like i have literally been freed.
so cool.........
i suppose this is what growth, and coming to terms with yourself feels like. letting go of the past, forgiving oneself of past choices & successes fallen short, allowing to relieve the weight of other peoples dysfunctions from your own lap, and learning how to say ' NO Thank You ~ That's your own shit to carry, not mine'. (you should really try that one- that one is the BEST!)
so here i am. I AM the man that I need. HAVE needed all along.
Now watch Johnny Depp walk thru my door and throw a monkey wrench in my whole program. (and believe me- if he'd have me- it surely would!)
Universe don't fuck with me now....let me have this time. I need this. It's all preparation....for the next phase of my life. In the meantime, I'm happy being The Man That I Need. At least I know I'm a good one :)
LOVE RESPECT and HONOR YOURSELF. For if you are not whole, you are not complete yet.
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