it feels like it is bleeding.....
this heart of mine. or is it my soul? the same thing really....it doesn't matter.
there is this cork deep within that holds back this torrential storm of feelings...
of passions longing for and lost. of dreams unexplored or lost along the way...
i dont understand anymore how time just seems to have gone by so fast. it's like i could taste it- and now its just gone...and melted away.... like icecream that has dripped down your arm. you can feel it, you can taste it still, but you can never ever experience it again as it was in it's glory.
i have no fear of loss. or of death. i only have fear of not living enough as i would like to live.
there is never enough time on the clock, or money in my pocket to be able to do what i would like to be doing.
i want to climb mountaintops in Tibet. and sit with the monks so that i can understand what true silence and meditation feels like. i want to smoke opium in Morocco and close off my mind in an incense filled room of darkness and foreign sound...for days....
i want to taste the snow on my tongue as i climb to the top of higher peaks than i have ever dreamed of seeing.....
i want to write in my journal by candlelight, while listening to the pounding rain outside of my tent in some far-off place...
i want to see the hawks and eagles and bears of Alaskas wilderness, after i have gone off ' into the wild' of my own.
i want to warm the water for some morning mate' as i climb from my lovers arms and think to myself that this is exactly where i am supposed to be. dirty and sweaty from the heat of the desert sun...only to find the perfect natural spring to jump into and wash my body of it's stories....
will these moments be mine - i wonder? is this where this tortured feeling comes from? i cant breathe heavy enough sometimes... like i want to take deeper breaths than my body will allow. like i want to say longer words that exude the intensity that encompasses my inner self. i can't sing loud enough. i cant dig my nails deeply enough into the earth that screams for my footprints. i cant sit still long enough to feel home.
my journey calls for me - it's the wind in the trees for me....the sun on my skin....the love in my heart.... the breath inside of me.
there is an old gypsy saying that i have often used...for many years....
it is ' O LUNGO DROM' and it means ' the long journey'. oh, how i love that saying. how it makes me feel good inside. how it turns my never out, always still embers to flames.
'o lungo drom baby.........o lungo drom'
my journey shall continue. and this angel will not be caught for much longer.
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