today i sit here.... it's new years eve 2008,and i'm faced with nothing but myself and my thoughts.
more true and raw than i have ever before experienced.
today is my day. the time is here, once again.
all of my paths that i have lain are beautifully scattered before me now. singing my songs of longing, of pain, of love and laughter. and so, so much more.....so very much more......
i gently graze over them, in memory and emotion, in fear, in passion. in love and lust and wonderment and frustration. in a detached, reserved, yet safe embrace.
i realize so many things...looking at this map i have colored so brightly. this tapestry of my tales. this holy grail of my truths and myths.
the first is 'how in the hell did i end up here?'
where and when did i get derailed so much so that i have remained in a sort of mudlike pit that has so gently, but forcibly held me back from myself? with all of the stregnth and courage that i have attained over the years, at what point in my life did i willingly give up the most crucial of my powers?
im not even sure what that power was/is/could be, but i feel and long for the loss of it. i know i let it slip away....at least the prime and power of it. it's purity now tarnished with history.
i have run from myself in so many ways. my own shadow, having tried for years to lay down it's memory on the paths it has graced, has battled with my stubborn spirit, never allowing it's imprint (however brief it so wanted) to rest itself. no rug under my feet.....only air. only air to flap my wings, i say. i always say......i still and most likely will always say.
my greatest excuse has been my own motherhood. as beautifully as i have done it- it has definitely been my greatest derailment from myself. would i change any of it? of course. mostly all of the time wasted in the men i have allowed into our worlds. as i was looking for this love i have held (all along within myself) i spent much too much of my/our time giving to those who never had the powers that be to release me as i have longed to be. damn foolish youth. i can blame it on that partially - and rightfully so. i know now, looking back on all of those that i have loved, lusted, or whatever, that i simply was caught up in my own ignorance. not enlightened enough to understand how precious each of those pieces of my soul were that i let others have so carelessly. all the while rejecting myself, and my daughter, the potential of my own growth.
and now i fight for those back...those pieces of myself.... picking them up like fragments of a puzzle that only i can spot. and with each section retrieved, i place them back into my soul like the tattoos i wear on my skin.
will i ever retrieve them all? hell no. but have i managed to protect the most important of them? yes. the heart and deepest soul of them all are still protected. have always been protected......
so now i am here. at the beginning of the most important of my own personal journeys. scared as hell..... knees shaking.....yet boots laced up and kicking up dust in anticipation. backpack full of hope, a pocket full of luck and an endless amount of soul. i know i will find what i long for. i know that what i am about to journey into holds answers that i have longed to write into my story. i know that if i do not do this, that i will surely lose the essence of my being. and i know that nothing will stop me any longer. my heart pounds heavier than any amount of yoga can manage. my hands itch for the feelings of other worldliness in the palms of them. my skin craves the scent of unknown oils from afar....and my eyes - the windows to my soul - lust and search for tears of pleasure, pain, joy and sorrow to all that they have yet to witness.
i have worked so diligently on myself for almost 38 years now. i have put so much time into my thoughts. so many lessons i have learned, and all that i know and long to feel right now is the yearning to reach the highest level of enlightenment that i am meant to attain. my wings were given to me for reasons, and as often as myself or someone else has tried to clip them, i realize that they were never meant to be or live that way. society has placed upon me the last of it's burdens. i will release myself now. i will no longer live for anyone else but my wonderful self. this is my time.
embrace my spirit. chant for me when you can. release my binds with positivite vibes and share with me my journey. those who love me, know me or understand me : experience this re-birth with me.
Look at my horoscope today:
You are on the threshold of a major shift in your life as joyful Jupiter enters your sign next week to spend most of 2009 expanding your world. But you must be willing to change and to grow in order to make the most of whatever opportunities are offered. This can be challenging for you if you are reluctant to let go of the past. Don't hold on to what you have or you won't be able to grab on to what comes next.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
it is in the stars for me!.....they know...as i always have.....and i listen with respect, honor and grace.
soulsters, seekers, healers and journeymen alike:
NAMASTE.
GypCee
08' into 09'......
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